As usual, I went to my boy's house today. I slept for 5 hours while waiting for him to get back from his boy brigades meetings. I'm flushed with tiredness, it's been so long since I've forced myself to sleep that late, well.. because I treasure the moment I spent with another him online.

I thought I love my boy less, because I like another guy now, but.. no... nothing much has changed, I still crave for his kisses, hugs and so much more. I love him, and I know I can't lose him, so I will not let anything dreaded our relationship, I don't want our relationship to end because of my foolishness.

For the little pumpkin, I'll just try my best to act normal around him, without giving anyone a clue that I like him so much. Things would be better this way, I just have to make sure I won't cross the line and never ever have the idea of hugging him from his back.................... sigh... try my best

I love my boy, but I know at the same time I like a guy too. I don't know which kind of like I've developed over him, but I'm very sure that I like him, in some kind of ways. He has his way to brighten up my day with his smile. He's not the good looking type, he's taller than my boy, not really smart but have a really good heart. He has the charming smile which can always cheer people up. I like him, perhaps it's just a brother and sister thing.

We're close to each other, it's easy to spot him to be with me like for the last two subjects before college ends. I like to be around him, he exert the positive energy that can make me stay positive without missing my ways. The more I write, I found out the more important he is to me. He's going overseas next year, it's a 100 percent comfirmed thing. I'm quite depress when I heard that. I know I'll miss him terribly. I don't know he likes me or not? He said he treated me like his sister, should I be happy? Well, it's good to have a really caring brother and a really lovable boyfriend at the same time.

I don't know since when I started actually liking him, should be these two weeks. I think it's caused by the arguments I had with my boyfriends that make me to search for a refugee. These few weeks I'm having a really big fight with my boy. We can only see each other a day per week, yet we spent 5 hours shouting at each other, quarelling, and another 1 hour to apologise and kiss each other goodbye for 1 hour and I'm gone. The fight is really killing our relationship. I love him YES! but, I lost the heart and the thinking of maintaining it, I'm so tired. And he's so paranoid, if I didn't reply his message within 5 minutes, his messages will load up my inbox and sometimes I really got so sick about that. He always accused me having no faith on him yet he's the one losing his faith even though he cheated on me before and I still remained loyal in the whole BLOODY relationship. Is this even fair? I'm realllllly reallllly tired
I want to cry, but there's no tears
I need help, but there's no one for me
I can't tell him how I felt inside
I afraid I'll lose him as my dear friend
I'm sick of doing anything, trying to impress
I'm SICK of it
I just wanna walk out of my world
I just wanna take sometimes to be alone
I just wanna forget everything everyone did to me
I just want... a peaceful life.....

I have a good memory and my friends are envious because I don't seem to have to spend that much time to revise to get high grade. Maybe... maybe a good memory does help much in my studies, and maybe it helps me in more ways than I actually noticed. But in my personal life, it doesn't seem like a win-win thing.

Until today, I still can't forget something happened years ago, the memories wouldn't fade, it's getting clearer and clearer and I'm afraid, I'm afraid that until the end of the day I still can't forget it and it will forever stick with me.

Some of my friends can forget something so easily that sometimes I'm kind of jealous about it. I don't mind the bad memories stick with me, I have let the negative feelings go. But I really really really want to forget that my boy has really cheated on me. If I can't bare it, why would I still be with him? I don't know... Well, I admit I'm stupid, too stupid for a girl like me. I have never realized how much he meant to me when I tried to break up with him and stuck in a feeling of loneliness and emptiness.

We're very close now, still lovey dovey. I know he loved me alot and he still loves me. The only problem I have now is I can't let things go. I know I have to suck it through, cause it's my choice, I just want to whine now, at least at this moment. I know this is the hard way and I know it may seem to be a stupid decision, so I really appreciate those who support me even though it seems foolish and reckless.

Okay, DONE with all the whining! Just hope that this will never happen again in the future. Well, if it really happens again, then hmmmmm I probably just have to get another boy in my college then~~

Nighty nights